Friday, January 09, 2009
A great Craigslist ad
With thanks to KS for stealing this from his blog...
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra - $12900 (Ronan / Lake County )
> ________________________________
> Reply to: sale-945361858@craigslist.org [?]
> Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST
>
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by
the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to
sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom
Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable
shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport
you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's
the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading
right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains
of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They
didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems
(real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything
warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies
need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore
resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the
first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk
of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra
also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists,
you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same
time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to
blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50
caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield
to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable
offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000
for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow
up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you
won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me,
it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as
a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds
barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.
I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but
I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of
Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the
man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
> ________________________________
> Reply to: sale-945361858@craigslist.org [?]
> Date: 2008-12-04, 5:15PM MST
>
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by
the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to
sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom
Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable
shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport
you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's
the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading
right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains
of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They
didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems
(real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything
warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies
need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore
resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the
first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk
of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra
also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists,
you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same
time. It's saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to
blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50
caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield
to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable
offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000
for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow
up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you
won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me,
it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as
a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds
barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me.
I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but
I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of
Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the
man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants.
Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
